No Perfect Endings
by link no miko
Summary: Kakashi recalls those moments that defined one man's past and would form another man's future.


**No Perfect Endings**

-

Yondaime and Kakashi fic. Because Yondaime needs more fics, and I wanted to write something based on Straylight Run's _The Perfect Ending_. And this is what my brain gave me.

As always, comments and criticisms are appreciated.

-

_So if you made it,  
Just be glad that you did and stay there,  
If you ever feel loved or needed,  
Remember that you're one of the lucky ones,  
And if it's over,  
Just remember what I told you,  
It was bound to happen so just...  
Keep moving on,  
There's no perfect endings_

Straylight Run_, The Perfect Ending_

_-_

His sensei always tried to tell him that it's ok to not be perfect. That being imperfect is human, and that being a genius does not change that fact. Kakashi never wanted to believe him. Because all he knew was genius, and he didn't want to know anything else or be _known_ as anything else.

But then, when the Yondaime Hokage falls from his vanishing summoned partner, when the world flashes a brilliant, vivid and bloody red, Kakashi knows that there will always—must always—be more than just being called a genius.

-

At seven, Kakashi was more than proficient in the art of the shinobi. He'd made chuunin a year before, made his first kill—plus more—and seen the bloody and broken body of his father lying on their dojo floor. Other children his age were wary, if not scared, of him, although he didn't care that much either way. He knew what he was, knew this was what he would always be, and had already resigned himself.

So when some quirky blond Jounin, as new to the position as Kakashi was to chuunin, came up to him and told him he would be his teacher until he was old enough to join an actual genin team, Kakashi just nodded and accepted it.

That was the way things were.

They didn't talk much, the new teacher and student. Mainly because the student would remain silent despite the teacher's pokes and prods and incessant chatter.

"So, Kakashi-kun, what would you like to do today?"

"Train."

"Well yes, but besides that?" The blond Jounin stood up, head tilted to the sky, chin in his hand as he thought. "How about going out to get some food? Night on the town and all that."

"No." While succinct, there was no hint of rudeness to the child's voice. He was just stating a fact.

His sensei watched him then, a look passing through his eyes that Kakashi couldn't understand, and then the blond smiled and ruffled the young chuunin's silver hair.

"Someday, Kakashi," he said, a smile that hid nothing gracing his face. Kakashi thought that was odd, for a shinobi to hide nothing. "Someday, you'll understand there's more to life than just being a shinobi. But until then," his smile dimmed and he backed away, nodding with his head. "Until then, we have this."

Kakashi didn't think there was anything wrong with that.

-

The years passed, and Kakashi's teacher changed little by little. He grew taller, his smile grew brighter, and he became the best the Jounin had to offer. Kakashi changed only in the ways he felt he needed to. At ten he was a little taller, a lot more proficient, but just as silent, just as aloof as he'd been at six. He did not learn how to charm someone with his smile, or to form elaborate excuses that got him out of paying for a meal.

He knew how to kill, and that's what he told himself he would continue to do.

His sensei liked to take him by the Academy every few days, liked to sit and watch the students as they learned, failed, and continued to try. Every now and then he would point out a child who appeared to be struggling with something, and he would ask Kakashi what the chuunin thought of them.

"They won't make it," was his usual response, and the blond Jounin would smile and nod, "Hmm" the only thing he would say.

It was on one of the Academy trips that Kakashi saw Obito and Rin for the first time. The two shinobi were sitting by themselves by their usual tree, overlooking the grounds and the students, when suddenly a stray shuriken flew towards them. Kakashi dodged it with ease, not even blinking as it lodged itself in the tree between him and the Jounin.

"Ah, sorry!" A dark-haired boy ran towards them, his cheeks red with embarrassment as the light-haired young man pulled the weapon out of the tree and held it out. The other boy slowed as he reached them, taking the shuriken while wearing the most abashed face Kakashi had ever seen.

"You should be more careful," the young sensei said, smiling, and the boy blushed even more.

"I will, sir!" His goggles slipped down off his forehead a bit, obscuring his left eye. He hastily shoved them back up. "Are you ok, sir?"

The Jounin laughed. "We're fine, we're fine. I'll just bleed to death from that gash you gave me, but really, we're just fine."

Across from them, the dark-haired boy gaped, a look of horror passing over his face before he realized the man before him was joking, and then he too began to laugh.

Kakashi did not.

With a bow, the student turned and left, and Kakashi raised an eyebrow at the symbol on the back of his jacket. He didn't know many Uchiha, but from what he knew of them, they were some of the most elite the village had to offer.

"So, Kakashi-kun," his sensei said then, watching him from the corner of his eye, "what did you think of that boy?"

"…He is an Uchiha."

"Yes, very good. Your powers of observation are top-notch."

Kakashi didn't bat an eyelash at the teasing tone. "He is a very unskilled Uchiha."

The Jounin said nothing for a moment, looking back over the field. The Uchiha boy was now tagging after a little brown-haired girl, laughing as they played whatever game it was they were playing. Even at such a young age, the young Jounin could see the beginnings of a crush forming.

"He will not pass," Kakashi said finally, stealing his teacher's attention away from the two young trainees. "He will not become a genin."

Kakashi prided himself on his ability to see underneath the underneath, but he could not understand the look his sensei gave him.

-

There were two times in Kakashi's life he felt like a fool. The first was when he'd realized his father was not the hero he thought he'd been. The second was when he arrived for training one day to find two figures standing with his sensei, laughing and smiling.

He hadn't ever thought he'd see those two figures again.

The boy noticed him and waved him over, an excited and overly too loud "Oi!" ringing throughout the training grounds. The girl beside him smacked him playfully on the shoulder, her eyes narrowed as though to rebuke him, her cheeks red as though she were embarrassed.

When Kakashi stopped before them, his sensei smiled with his usual huge smile that hid nothing and gesture to the two children.

"Kakashi, this is Obito-kun, and this is Rin-chan. They're our new genin team."

"Hey!"

"Hello."

The chuunin ignored them, turning instead to his sensei. "The Uchiha boy."

The blond Jounin nodded. "Yes. Well, one of them. I hear there's a lot of them these days."

Obito grinned like an idiot.

Kakashi turned around and left.

"O-oi! Where do ya think you're going!"

His teacher found him a few minutes later, sitting in a tree with his knees held up to his chin, arms wrapped around his legs and eyes staring into nothingness.

"Well now," an irritatingly happy voice called up to him, "this is rather mature of you, Kakashi. You're not sucking your thumb up there either, are you?"

"Go away."

"That happens later."

Kakashi blinked, the unfamiliar tone in his sensei's voice catching his attention. Leaning over, he could just make out a rather unfamiliar crease to the Jounin's brow, a set to his jaw Kakashi had never seen before.

And then the smile was back as though it had never gone.

"Ah, you ready to come down then?"

"Why?"

"Well because if you fall it'll hurt just a little bit."

Kakashi did not think he would ever understand his teacher. He wondered if he cared. "No. Why them?"

Understanding dawned in the man's eyes, and then he began to laugh. Very hard.

And then he was up in the tree beside Kakashi, bopping the boy on the top of his head with a fist. The silver-haired chuunin never even saw his teacher move.

"Kakashi, why do you think I agreed to two more students?"

"Because," the boy began, then found he didn't know. "You're you."

The best Jounin Konoha had to offer smirked and leaned back against the trunk of the tree. "I didn't do it for me, if that's what you're saying."

"I don't need them."

His sensei gave him that same look he'd give him two years ago when they'd first met the two genin who were currently standing below the tree, and but unlike before, he smiled before he spoke.

"When you find what it is you're searching for, it won't be because you can do any jutsu or kill with the most efficiency."

Kakashi made a noise in the back of his throat.

"And I am always waiting for that day."

Before Kakashi could say anything else, his teacher was back on the ground and walking away with the two genin. He never looked back.

Five minutes later, Kakashi found them at the same place he had before, and his sensei's smile was just as large and welcoming.

And for just a moment, Kakashi thought he understood something about his sensei.

-

Jounin was supposed to be the ultimate achievement of any shinobi. At the age of thirteen, that achievement took on added praise. Kakashi was a shinobi the entire village could be proud of.

But covered in blood he could not see nor wash off, his right eye in pain and his left going beyond such a simple sensation, Kakashi didn't feel very praiseworthy. He didn't feel much of anything; not the rain that pounded down upon his head, not the healer's hand that clutched his. Not the tears he could not control.

Eventually he began to realize that the delicate hand in his was pulling gently, that a soft voice was begging him to go inside. That she could heal his wounds but she could not heal this kind of sickness.

He acknowledged her with the eye that wasn't his, and felt a pang of something he had never felt before. But he couldn't agree with her, not yet, and so shook his head in what could almost be taken as a sad gesture, releasing her hand and turning away. She cried out, but then someone was there to take her away, and soon she was gone.

But he was not alone.

His sensei stood behind him, only a few meters away but separated by more area than Kakashi could grasp. They did not talk. For once, Kakashi didn't know if he could deal with the silence.

And for once, he was the first to break it.

"I failed my mission, sensei."

His teacher said nothing.

"I failed and I let my teammate die." All of his wounds were healed, but his left eye burned.

The man behind him said nothing, but Kakashi could hear the crunch of his boots on the ground, hear the splash of water as he moved. Without turning around, he knew his sensei was looking at the monument.

"'If you ever feel loved or needed, remember that you're one of the lucky ones…'"

Kakashi turned to look, saying nothing.

"'Keep moving on, there are no perfect endings.'"

"…Sensei?"

"Something my father taught me when I was very young. I always hated it." His teacher turned to face him, the smile wiped from his face. "He told me that while I stood here after my grandfather died in battle. Said I would understand someday."

The younger Jounin only looked on as his teacher turned back to the monument, reaching out a hand to run over the newly carved name.

"I never figured out what _he_ meant by it, but," he said, kneeling down, hand still on the monument, "for me, knowing that there will be someone to stand here and read my name… Isn't that what we all want?" He stood then, and did not brush off his knees. They were soaked through.

"And," he continued, looking directly at his student, "it's that knowledge that keeps us going."

"'No perfect endings'…?"

"No one can be perfect, Kakashi. Not even geniuses."

"I want to be."

There was only sadness in his teacher's eyes. "No Kakashi. You don't."

"If I'm perfect," the student continued, unheeding, "then I will not fail and those that count on me won't die."

"And when you do fail," the older Jounin said softly, his eyes never leaving Kakashi's, "what then? It will tear you apart. To be a shinobi is to understand your limitations and to try to rise above them, not write them off completely."

Kakashi said nothing.

"Don't lose sight of what you wanted, Kakashi," his teacher continued, his voice so soft and sad and loving it hurt, and Obito's eye pulsed. "That's how you lose your way."

Water splashed softly, and then the blond Jounin was there, a hand on each of his student's shoulder as he kneeled down. Eye to eye.

"It's okay to be human, Kakashi."

More than anything, Kakashi wished that was true.

-

Kakshi is reminded he's human with every new name he reads on the Monument. And because he still wants to believe that if he's just _that much more_, if he can just do that one thing extra that he can save them all, that he can be that perfect thing he wanted to be years ago when he still wasn't innocent, he stands before the Monument to remind himself that he can never be those things. He reads Obito's, Rin's, his sensei's names over and over again, reads the names that come after and the ones before, and makes himself remember those things his teacher once taught him.

He wonders if he'll ever be the human sensei told him it was okay for him to be.

The names on the Monument tell him that he is.

Sometimes, he thinks he's fine with that.


End file.
